What happened, New Year? Where is the motivation you promised? The drive to redefine my goals, both short- and long-term? I feel no differently than I did in 2015, and in place of feeling difference, I feel only disappointment.
I know it’s not really your fault. I know that if I want things to change, I must change them for myself. I was simply hoping for a little push, is all. You usually give me that much. Did I do something wrong this year? Did I miss your siren call? Did I unwarily choose complacence in the expectation you’d provide motivation for me, free of charge?
I do have goals and resolutions, but I was hoping to reinvigorate them. I am so impatient! I am also overwhelmed. Eager to move forward towards my goals, but with so many voices pointing me in so many directions, none clear enough for me to choose with conviction.
At some point, I know that I will never have complete conviction. At some point, I must take the leap whether all my ducks are in a row or not. At some point, I must open my arms wide to the terrifying possibility of whatever is in store for me, and embrace the challenge of not knowing for sure where I will end up.
I am so ready to get started. Universe, can I get the tiniest of pushes in a rewarding direction? No, I didn’t sit down to write a list of New Year’s Resolutions, nor did I create a Vision Board like I did last year to help categorize my goals and motivate myself towards them throughout the year. I did not tell anyone of any new resolutions, or create a timeline or checklist to take steps to get anything done.
But. LAST year was all about taking steps. I’ve been doing my research, pursuing knowledge, weighing options. I’m ready to DO.
And when you failed me, New Year, in helping me resolve to get anything new done, I sat down and breathed in my frustration and disappointment. I will congratulate myself on not dissolving into the mindless sobbing that sinks me into that hopeless pit of depression (as I would have done a year or so ago). Instead I breathed, acknowledged what I was feeling, and asked the Universe to help me. Searched within my own self for clarity, for what it is that I truly desire and know to be true of myself.
And that tiny voice of clarity spoke: the answer will come.
I don’t care if you believe in God, fate, or magic – it is possible to reach out to something that is greater than yourself, and yet within yourself, to connect with it and to take comfort from that connection. We all have a voice inside that always knows, if we simply quiet down enough to hear it: the answer will come.
I forgive you New Year, for now. I don’t have the answers yet, but every day is part of my path toward greater clarity of self, leading to greater clarity of my aspirations, leading to greater clarity of the steps I need to take to achieve them. I am enough as I am now, and as for the future – it will come.